Archive for December, 2010

Our Circle

when dawn rises over the prairie
we will rise to a new world
our people will walk together
toward one another
a great circle will form

we will dance and be thankful
our nations will unite
our voices will be heard
we will gain our place again
we will be strong in our circle

when the sun rises high
when it reaches the center
the hawk will fly
higher than ever before
our circle will be sacred

we will dance, we will dance
until the sun sets
over the great lands
ours again – ours again
our circle will stay strong

the night moon will rise
the fires in our heart
will burn through the night
reaching as high as the stars
in the center of our circle

when dawn rises over the prairie
we will rise just as before
our people will stand together
each one loving the other
a great circle will form

a great circle will form
we will be stong in our circle
our circle will be sacred
our circle will be strong
in the center of our circle

the spirit fires in our heart
will soar as high as the hawk
over the great lands
our circle will be strong
our circle will restore us as one

© Kristy Tallman 2010 all rights reserved.

A Journey Through My Heart

A Journey Through My Heart, Part I

Many people are wondering – Why? Who is she? What does she want of us? – Why should we trust her? She is white…she is not one of us. Why should we trust her – to that I answer because I mean you no harm or disrespect. Who is she…she is white…to that I answer no I am not; I am human but furthermore I am part Native American. To which tribe does she belong? To that I answer – none but all of them. I am but a Native American mutt mixed with Irish and some German but in my heart I have always, always been Native American. Why? To that I answer to you that I carry several tribes in my bloodlines, much Cherokee, Shawnee, Iroquoian and another line I cannot find the ties to and am still researching.

I was adopted in by a small band of Lakota who once all lived nearby but have since went their separate ways but prior to me losing touch with them they honored me by letting me into their inipi where it was a decade maybe more ago that I sang the songs of ancestors in a language I was never taught before in sync as if I had been singing those songs all my life. I was given a vision that is sacred to me and requires that I speak with an elder who will be kind enough to help me find understanding. I heard while I was in the inipi spirit warriors dancing around our lodge – I felt their heartbeat inside me with each beat of the drums resonating sounds. I have other things I could tell you but to me they are sacred and can only be shared with an elder. I can tell you though for over a decade I have remembered the things my Lakota brothers and sisters taught me and have practiced Native American rites since then.

I have been to the Cherokee Reservation in NC twice; but with fear in my heart and a lack of wisdom I did not know who to speak to so I went home feeling as lost as I was when I set out to go there. I will say that my trip to the reservation brought tears to my eyes when I had all this great anticipation of seeing my brothers and sisters thriving and living the ways of their ancestors. No I was not so naive to think I would find the delusional imagery of a tribe you might find on television but I didn’t expect to see the level of poverty I seen – I did not expect to see my brothers and sisters catering to the tourist by dressing out to make a dollar by having their picture taken with one of them. I didn’t find but one store that I stayed in and spoke with its owner for a very long time who offered genuine items made by the Cherokee not the trinkets and false touristy items the other stores sold. I was pleased while at the same time sad because I too am not rich by any means or measure and could not afford to buy something from his store that would carry the spirit of my people back home with me. Still though I told him of my heritage I was afraid to ask how to talk to an elder instead I just shared with him “time” something to me that was very precious. I cried when I left the reservation most of the 7/8hr drive back home because I was angry at myself for not asking and I was sad to be leaving because a part of me felt the need to be there but because I don’t have all the answers as to how to prove who I am I couldn’t stay. This happened each time I went my heart would soar knowing I was going then my heart would cry when I left.

I have been to local powwows on occasion here in Virginia and the last one I went to was so commercialized again my heart was broken because the vendors were selling things that were trinkets and cheap knockoffs of true hand crafted Native Americans but this was not the kind of powwow I should have went to if I truly wanted to be with my ancestors.I will say there were real Native American people there but they were the dancers; the drummers and the families of these same people. So that is where I spent most of my time around the circle watching, the dancers and how beautiful they were. My spirit was moved and wanted to step into the circle and dance but again because I don’t know my place I stayed on the side with tears running down my face and dancing in my own small space – the music was a part of me the dance was in my heart and I can’t remember ever wanting something more than that day wanting to be able to dance with them.

I went to another powwow that was totally different – there were few vendors and a lot less people there I had my first two children with me both of them with their bright blond hair and me with my natural color hair which is an auburn brown color. My eyes are as blue as the skies on a clear day as are my children but that day we were allowed to dance in the circle – I was proud and honored at the same time. My children danced just like the native children of this tribe and I danced as the spirit of my ancestors moved me. It was a beautiful day.

When I started to write the novel Widow’s Blood five years ago I was led astray to write another novel The All-Soul’s Faire – I had already self published two books of poetry that holds many poems about my Native American beliefs. This book did very well and has brought me far but two days after I finished writing the book I had a massive heart attack at the age of 36. The year prior I had lost my father and my oldest daughter. My father a Vietnam Vet died of agent orange cancer and my daughter was killed on her way to school one morning. A true friend helped me to get back the courage to write again because I was afraid to write another novel as I suffer from PTSD Panic Disorder and I was afraid if wrote another novel it surely would mean I would have another heart attack. No that doesn’t make sense to the common individual who has never suffered PTSD Panic Disorder but it wasn’t until 2008 I had my second book Crows on the Cross published.

I fell sick again this time with a disease that is more of a ghost than a name I can give you. I have been misdiagnosed several times, called crazy a few times but my pain is real and there is not a day that goes by that I am not in pain. I am still trying to find the answers which I know lie between three diseases MS, Lupus and/or RA. Blood work proves this over and over again but no one will name my disease so I can begin to find cure or start treatment.

With all this in mind and in the midst of going through a very ugly divorce I said to hell with all and vowed not to let this ghostly disease that is haunting me stop me from writing – stop me from living – stop me from searching. It was time for Widow’s Blood to be written and it was time for me to set out on a journey to find out who I really am. I know I am Native American and my heart is as pure as the raindrops that fall from the heavens or the tears that fall when I dance around in my room to the music of my ancestors.

For every book I have had a tour but due to being married to a pretty selfish man on my second book I couldn’t at first complete my tour due to the lack of funds but what was worse was my health wouldn’t allow me to finish it. So since 2008 I have been trying to find the answers to what ails me while fighting it with medications that only make things worse because doctors are not treating the right disease. When I set out to start planning the tour for Widow’s Blood due to release late Feb/early March along with the sequel to The All-Soul’s Faire by late spring I decided due to the books story line I would call this tour the Spirit of the Wolf Tour and as I started planning I too started looking for sponsorships because to know this industry understand of all the people in the writing industry it is the author who makes the least amount of money.

I had a chance to publish this book with a very well known small house publisher but I had to turn it down due to the uncertainty of my health but have since learned that this book needed to be self published due to the fact that I needed to make the most profits from the book that I could – why you might ask? My answer to that is because so many things have changed so quickly what went from a sponsorship drive turned into a following through of a plan that I had already set in place for the tour to donate 10 percent of my profits to the Native Ways Federation. I feel very strongly about my heritage and who I am even though I am a mutt but then I was given a vision and now it is I have formed the spirit of the Wolf Movement.

I will not be taking the normal route to sell my books this year coming because I have learned from experience it costs a lot of money and little is made by following the pack of writers in my genre. But too it has become a journey and a spiritual one that has and is taking on a life of it’s own. Now my tour will be geared towards my desire to help save the Native American Heritage’s nationwide – to save their ways, traditions, languages and educational programs and too now that I have learned more it will encompass trying to create awareness and a better lifestyle of living for those who live on reservations.

Again I hear the questions; who, what, where and why? To this I must answer in part two of this post to which I hope you will come back to read. Until then know this – the Spirit of the Wolf Movement is real – it is set up to do just as is promised in our mission statement and it is done with honor; respect and a true Native American heart….

To Be Continued in Part II.

Kristy,

Since 1970, the Native American Rights Fund (NARF) has fought to defend the rights of Native Americans. NARF has won numerous and significant victories

that have preserved the continued existence of tribes, their sovereign rights, traditional lands and cultural and spiritual lifeways. While much has been achieved, considerable work remains.

Times are hard for everyone this Holiday Season. Nonprofit organizations like NARF are feeling a dramatic and negative impact from the recession. Now, more

than ever we need your support. We respectfully ask that you consider giving what you can by December 31st. Every dollar makes a difference in our battle

to ensure justice and a brighter future for Native Americans. Every gift is 100% tax deductible. Again, any level of support can make a big difference for

Native American rights in 2009.

Since 1970, the Native American Rights Fund (NARF) has fought to defend the rights of Native Americans and indigenous peoples. NARF has won numerous and significant victories that have preserved the continued existence of tribes, their sovereign rights, traditional lands and cultural and spiritual lifeways. While much has been achieved, considerable work remains.

Times are hard for everyone this Holiday Season. Nonprofit organizations like NARF are feeling a dramatic and negative impact from the recession. Now, more than ever we need your support. We respectfully ask that you consider giving what you can by December 31st. Every dollar makes a difference in our battle to ensure justice and a brighter future for Native Americans. Every gift is 100% tax deductible. Again, any level of support can make a big difference for Native American rights in 2011.

Help Defend the rights of Native Americans now

We thank you for your time, consideration and for the support you have given to NARF this past year that has helped us achieve so much for Native Americans. As we look ahead to the New Year we hope that you will pledge once again to help NARF to continue to stand firm for justice for Native Americans in 2011.