Archive for February 18th, 2011

I just need to rest - just rest for a spell.....

Sitting on the side of the road…a bad day w/Lupus

….I just need to rest – rest for awhile then I’ll get up and go on…..

To dare think that stress my worst enemy would stay quiet in my life is an inexcusable mistake on my part for believing in such falsities – life is stress and stress is life but right now I’m being eaten alive – I’ve fallen from that great high road of hope as my new med that was suppose to be so successful I can’t take – back to the doctor I go but two fold now I’ve caught a cold or virus because my system is down and fighting – the irony of Prednisone is you think great I’m safe now – sadly you’re not it’s off working on your “outlaw” so it doesn’t see the new one come into town – the man with a gun strapped to his waist his draw much quicker than your own – I caught my daughters sore throat/cold/virus?? Who knows I’m sick now on top of the sickness I felt in taking a med that didn’t agree with me and all I wanted was some time alone – time alone that I couldn’t have afforded me.

My family has been so great to me – their support and love is beyond anything that I ever thought would be because they seen their daughter, sister, mother taking a positive outlook on this disease that so desperately needs to stay alive in me. Things are falling apart though and it’s getting to me to the point that I lost my own sense of sanity in the midst of the mindset that was overbearing and uncontrollable no matter how many times I ask – Please leave me alone.

I wasn’t being mean – I wasn’t being evil or vindictive or slighting of another yet I was fighting a battle against a torent wind that wouldn’t rest – wouldn’t let me have a moments peace – demanding me – telling me what to do and not once considering what it was doing to me had such power to say I was causing them stress because I didn’t jump when I was told to – I didn’t say what was wanted to be heard and I was doing so because had I of did that I know my words would come from a very cold place of hurt and pain – a place I didn’t want to go – not now – now in this time when things are happening in my life like snowballs out of control. In my family alone we are facing so many things but we are facing them together – we are trying to get through doctor apppointments after doctor appointments for more than just me and I was doing so good holding on to those in my family who needed me and now today I let them down because I’ve shut down – not because I chose to – not because I wanted to because my body couldn’t take it anymore.
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My Sky is Falling

Stay positive – stay high – stay alive!
Stay positive – stay high – stay alive!
I scream – I scream – I scream
No one hears me – no one cares
No one knows how to decipher the silence
Only me – only me – so alone in my feelings

Stay positive – I fall – I cry
I was doing so good – so good
I smiled in spite of my disease
I was ready to face the music
Dance on the high road – win…
but then…

Stay high – the drugs make you sick
They bring u down – it’s okay I’ll be okay
I thought….
I’m not because outsiders won’t let me
They won’t stop – they won’t stop

Stay Alive – how – why?
My sanity is tested beyond reason
for someone who is normal
Stress engulfs the positivity of life
The smile fades to tears
I can’t do this – I heard myself say??

I can’t do this anymore – What?
Why? Can’t anyone hear me -
Why won’t the voices stop -
Why can’t you let me be??
I want to say ALIVE

CAN’T YOU HEAR ME??

Stay positive – stay high – stay alive!
Is that so much to ask
A day – an hour – a minute without wrath?
I feel like shit – the meds aren’t right -
I caught a cold over night

Systems on a down – I’m fighting
Fighting for the right
To Stay Positive – stay high – stay alive
Catalyst will come and go
They aren’t suppose to pound down your defenses

LET ME GO!!

Tears wash away what good was there
My fears try to creep in and take over
stress my worse enemy it’s so well known
BUT YOU CAN’T HEAR ME…WHY???
please…
spoken too softly….Leave me alone

Please let me find my way back
To stay positive – to stay high – to stay alive
Don’t be the catalyst that creates
Storms of stress from hell -
System’s on a down

My sky is falling….
My light is fading….
Light the bounces of heartbeats
Beep beep – beep beep – beep …
Flat——-lined now

Now you can’t hear me
No one can..
Not even I can discern quietude
in the death of stress’s grip
My sky fell……